It doesn’t feel the same.

I’m stuck again. There’s a new guy that I’m trying to replace you with for the oncoming months, but it’s barely working.When I’m with him, it feels good. . . He’s taller than me, he’s okay with me hugging him. But, it doesn’t feel the same.  It’s not fair that I’m making him to be a rebound, even though I never really had anything to rebound off of.

That’s the thing. We never had anything together. A lot of things in common, but nothing . . .solid. But, I felt whole.

I’m still uncertain about my feelings about you- whether or not I’m in love with you. It’s a big deal for me, and I’m scared. I really am. I know that I love you. I do. I can call you a friend, if I can certainly admit that, but I want more.

Because, being with people that aren’t you just doesn’t feel the same.

I miss you.

But I can’t say it. At least, I don’t think so. Not now.

It’s been awhile, and a lot has happened.  Maybe I’ll start using this instead of another blogging site, to write down my thoughts.

Every now and then.

Good news is I’m getting better, in a way.

I definitely think so.

Haircut

I told myself a few months ago, that if I were rejected and finally over that one guy, I would do the Japanese schoolgirl thing and cut my hair.

Today, I cut my hair. It wasn’t because of him or anyone told me to do so. I cut it because it annoyed the hell out of me. However, I thought that if I did cut my hair, I would be over him. . . It didn’t work. I don’t know. It’s just something I’ll have to live with, I guess.

I can’t think of him without smiling, I can’t sit in class without stealing a glance his way, I can’t help. . . .liking him.

The World is against me. . .

The road to having my . . . (what the heck do I call it now, if not a crush?) new liking to a person (yeah, that’s the best I can do) has begun it’s bumpy parts:

1. I found out one of my friends likes the same person.
2. He knows that my friend likes him.
3. He has a feeling that I like him (according to close sources).

I’ve known my friend since . . . 10th Grade. I don’t want to judge him, but he’s made poor choices (maybe, he’s matured since then, i don’t know). I don’t want this to harm our friendship, but at the same time I wish he’d BACK THE HELL OFF. *ahem* I don’t know. This is a tremendous obstacle in my opinion. He’s athletic and has that in common with him. He’s bi, perverted, and knows most of the tennis team/former tennis team players. They were his friends too. He’s got a lot of things going for him, I admit.  I admit that I do feel threatened. If I imagine them together, I instantly feel like giving up; comparing myself to my friend.

I want to know what he knows (him, not my friend). I’m really curious. I mean, if he knows, why doesn’t he ask? Why doesn’t he ask my friend? He believes that straightforward approaches are how one should settle things. Is that how I should confess? Would my friend think of doing the same thing? I’m so scared. . .Would that be the difference between me and my friend?

What are the boundaries for circumstances such as these? Are there rules to be guided by? I don’t know.

I feel like I know so much about him, especially little things. But, I want to know more.

• You barely look at me directly, why is that?
• When you speak to someone next to me, do you see me in the corners of your eyes?
• Did you know when you lie, you smile wildly and blink?
• You try not to talk directly to me either, unless I ask you something. Why?
• I catch you glimpsing back when I look around the classroom.

I feel like I could fill out a novella with thoughts of you; the things I see and notice. However, I’m scared on how to interpret these thoughts and how you feel about them. How would you interpret these feelings of mine?

I’m always thinking of things like that. At least, for the past 3 months. I really wish you’d tell me, because. . .

I’ve got a questions in mind and a lot of answers to find.

While I’m hyped on Red Bull. . .

I say screw it, I’m not gonna call you a crush anymore.

I FRICKING LIKE YOU.

I can’t help it now, considering what you said on Friday. I didn’t think a lot of people knew that. It was enlightening, surreal even. People were talking about games and you spoke of one, that I highly doubt anyone else in that room, but me, knew what you were talking about. It made me happy. . . knowing. It’s a good thing I was hiding it well. Ah, but then I slipped up when I was talking about homework. I called him “what’s-his-face” in front of him, while I was talking to the people practically in front of him. My inability to say his name to his face will only make it more obvious in front of him. I need to work on that. 

It’s hard though. It’s proving to be difficult for me to even say his name. It’s getting harder to breathe just thinking about it.  I have trouble breathing just being around you now; I’m gonna remember this the whole entire time. Man, I’m stupid. 

I still don’t think you’d accept me. I still think you’re gonna reject me and most likely I will cry. Except my friend wants hammer this thought into me:

Stop thinking for him!

I can’t help it. Another few weeks have passed, and I’m going crazier thinking about you everyday. Yesterday, friends treated me to a pre-birthday celebration. There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t wish you were there (or anyone else. Lara, Roxanne, and Maria; I would’ve loved for you to be there too. For anyone reading this, I want to let you know these people are special to me). But, I can’t help feel other emotions too. Right now, you’re my clouds and my sun.  

Dear Heart,

Do you want him to be my sky too? Stop it already. I can’t handle these feelings. I’m honestly telling you I will lose control.

Sincerely, Kokuen

Deleting my feelings. . .

I’ve recently deleted a few drafts I was working on, when I thought that they were kind of just ramblings. . .even though that’s my subheader. But, one of the drafts was one all about him; how I felt, what my thoughts are, etc. (Yes, normal “hims” because I think we all know which “him” I’m talking about)

I glanced over . . .but then, I deleted it. Is that bad? I mean the whole point of me blogging is to just get my thoughts out of my head, hoping it’ll dissipate from my heart, but . . . Did it happen this time?

Nope, not at all. You’re still there.  

Is this a part of me, that’s rejecting myself? I feel like I’ve commited a taboo. All of these excuses for questioning my own actions, having to always think that he’s just going to reject me anyways, thinking “Do I really have a chance?”. . . In the end, I’m just confusing myself, creating my own twilight. Hopefully, for the next few days, I’ll find my answer, because . . .

It’s gonna rain and it’s gonna rain hard.

It’s been a few days. . .

Since I’ve actually talked to him directly or came into physical contact. . .

No messing up his hair with my hand, no poking his sides, no hugging. . .  Man, I miss his hugs. (sidenote: noticed I love hugs?) I think I’m addicted.

I don’t know, it just felt good. Today, I went around hugging people like I normally do, just to compare them to his. It didn’t feel the same, to say the least. With him, it felt like being basked in warm sunlight (Man, that was so cheesy). It’s weird that I would be saying that. Is that what someone that’s crushing on another sounds like? My friend believes my condition is deemed as being “more than a crush, but less than love”.  It makes sense, but I truly don’t know. I’m lost.

I shouldn’t be affected by something like this. I never noticed the feeling before, so why now? Is it ironic that my mind is clouded with thoughts of him, but as soon as I embrace him, he becomes the sun? 

It hurts just thinking about it. . .It drives me crazy, when I want you out of my head, but then everything I do suddenly reminds me of you. (Fricking cheese)

Q:How will I ever control myself?

A:”by self restriction. tell yourself that you could lose all that you have with him if you lose control”

(I should keep that in mind.)

Because I don’t want to forget.

How good of a dream I had a few days ago.

It was the day I actually got home early from school and napped. Yes, after a hectic week of having an off and on sleeping pattern. (Who else has those?) A toast to one of the best 4 hour naps I’ve had in a while, in hopes that I can still remember mostly all the details. Nevermind, summaries are good too.

• Me and my crush
• Hug, kiss on the cheek . . .multiple times till he looks away.
• Turn his face towards mine, and say “I’m sorry.”
• Kiss on the lips, then confession.
• Asking him out, confirmation.
• Hold hands, then hugging from behind.
• Transitions to us in a moving car, friends pass by.
• Still holding, with a blanket now covering the both of us.

There are details. . . a lot of details actually, it’s just I should keep it to a minimum. I remember feeling so warm the whole entire time. It felt good. I actually tried to go back to sleep to get back to that specific dream. It didn’t work though. 

I know it was too good of a dream, I just want to look at it as inspiration for when I really do confess. I know I’m not gonna get the results I want and am already setting myself up to brace the impact of rejection. I just want to hold onto the fragments of fantasy that are getting me through my days. The reason why I can smile more often, when my thoughts are filled with him.

It’s a fantasy. I know. Reality is much more harsher. It’s just that . . .

That dream felt DAMN good.

It’s new! Yeah, not really. . .

Man, I haven’t updated for a while. . . I’ve just been busy with school and everything.

I feel like I’ve effed things up with my best friend. . . already. We had this conversation for New Year’s. I told him things I can’t tell anybody else, because I trust him not too. But, the next day he made a joke from it. I admit I blew things out of proportion, but it really hurt. It got worst after I told him to just leave me alone . . .

He actually did.

No texts, no instant messages, no good nights or good mornings for the next few days. . .didn’t even answer my phone calls. . . That hurt more . . .It hurt a lot. . . I’ve been trying to patch things up. I still feel like shit though. I do. I truly do. If I could take back those words, I would. But, I can’t.

With time, I hope things will get back to normal. . .or as normal as it could be. . . I miss him. . .but, I’m too much of a dumbass to keep pushing him away. I wish I’d learn by now.

On a side note: My crush.

I’ll smile for no reason just being  around him. It feels good just being around him. I feel happy. He doesn’t know it though. I wish he did and at the same time, not. . . It’s strange, right? At least, I think so. 

Yesterday, it was random. I ran after someone. . .him. I don’t think I’ve done that for someone. . .  I wanted a reason to see him one last time. I felt so happy I got to him. I sent this text to my confidante:

“I was omw to ____ becuz she asked me to buy stuff for her and him, but when i get there i thought i saw him leaving till i got to the house and asked. then ran out the door to chase after him. Chase and hug, then hug good bye.I liked that scenario x)’

I really should come up with an alias for him. I’m debating whether or not it’s a crush anymore. I’m really starting to like this guy, but it’s sad that he doesn’t even know. My friend thought it was cute, but I was embarassed at the idea that I or anything action that I do is considered cute.

I wonder, what do YOU think?

EDIT: Got my first text back from my best friend. It made me feel substantially better. I’m confident tomorrow’ll be a better day. Oh the cheese on that line.