“I don’t know.”

BRIEF THOUGHT: I’m somewhat thankful that I don’t really have an audience on here. However, there are times when I wish that somewhat would talk to me about it; a stranger, some random somebody wanting to express their opinion, anyone.  Just a thought.

“I don’t know” is likely, my most used phrase. Ever. I can say it in different ways, in that the meaning behind such a simple phrase could mean something different, but still relative.

It could mean:

• I’m too lazy to tell you.
• Go away.
• What’re you bothering me for?

Or simply,

• I don’t know.

Since I’ve used it in several other contexts, the phrase itself just manages to infuriate me. Is it that I really don’t know, or is that more that I don’t care? Maybe, it’s even more meaningless that I’m just thinking about why this simple sentence vexes me so.

Why do I do these things. . .

Too close.

I don’t let a lot of people get too close.

If anything, I’ve become a cloud that’s been struck by sunlight on multiple occasions, these past few weeks.

Floating from one person to the next, flaunting off my dimming rays of light.

That’s how it honestly feels.  On the outside, they see this happy-go-lucky guy greeting everyone by their first name, but then crashes towards the end of class, because all of his joie de vivre was provided by an energy drink or sugary confection.

Even when I’m struck with illness, or just not having a good day, I still manage to put on this façade, this morphing countenance, that I’ve grown accustomed to wearing almost every single day.

Don’t assume that that is who I am, when you don’t know me.

 

It doesn’t feel the same.

I’m stuck again. There’s a new guy that I’m trying to replace you with for the oncoming months, but it’s barely working.When I’m with him, it feels good. . . He’s taller than me, he’s okay with me hugging him. But, it doesn’t feel the same.  It’s not fair that I’m making him to be a rebound, even though I never really had anything to rebound off of.

That’s the thing. We never had anything together. A lot of things in common, but nothing . . .solid. But, I felt whole.

I’m still uncertain about my feelings about you- whether or not I’m in love with you. It’s a big deal for me, and I’m scared. I really am. I know that I love you. I do. I can call you a friend, if I can certainly admit that, but I want more.

Because, being with people that aren’t you just doesn’t feel the same.

I miss you.

But I can’t say it. At least, I don’t think so. Not now.

It’s been awhile, and a lot has happened.  Maybe I’ll start using this instead of another blogging site, to write down my thoughts.

Every now and then.

Good news is I’m getting better, in a way.

I definitely think so.

Early morning/Late night

Here I am. Awake. Straining my eyes at the bright monitor before me that’s illuminating the tiny corner of my room. Typing with a massive headache and slight fever, wondering why the hell am I still doing up.

Tired.Drowsy.Sick. . . of things.

Why can’t I sleep? Am I thinking too much? Jeez, overanalyzing things is a pain in the ass.

I sit back and watch. Sit back and think of what to say, things to make you realize whatever the hell you’re doing is stupid. You don’t realize the fire that just keeps burning -your words the fuel to the argument, our condescending thoughts of what you are now, proof that you truly are ignorant. A string of carefully researched words forms your wall, a wall we aim to tear down so you can finally grow up. Your attempts at trying to keep up are an annoyance. Accept. Accept these insults and change. Accept the childish deeds you’ve committed and stand on your own, don’t decide to take up the tasks that belittle the thought of you even further. You’re better than this, but you choose not to change. It’s been the same for two years, how you’ve ever retained an intimate relationship with anybody is beyond me, because they do not see what you do.

I tried. . . .I gave my two cents, again for the past two years.

You haven’t changed.

Haircut

I told myself a few months ago, that if I were rejected and finally over that one guy, I would do the Japanese schoolgirl thing and cut my hair.

Today, I cut my hair. It wasn’t because of him or anyone told me to do so. I cut it because it annoyed the hell out of me. However, I thought that if I did cut my hair, I would be over him. . . It didn’t work. I don’t know. It’s just something I’ll have to live with, I guess.

I can’t think of him without smiling, I can’t sit in class without stealing a glance his way, I can’t help. . . .liking him.

I deleted my feelings again.

I was gonna submit this really long blog about how I’ve just been thinking about every thought I’ve had about that person for the past few days. But, after reading it over, I decided to just delete it.

Just reading those sentence threw me off balance. I couldn’t keep myself from going crazy. I didn’t want to lose control. . . These thoughts are just welling up in my head, waiting to just be said. . .and I cant say them. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain from not saying them. I’ve found that to be my resolution, but I don’t consider that strong enough to finally confess.

Will I regret not saying what I need to say? My friend went through the same situation. He planned to confess through out the years that’ve followed his graduation to his friend, but he’s yet to do it. Will that be me? In a few years, if I see him by chance or at a friend’s house, will I be able to say the words that have been on my head for the past few months to him? Will I be able to move on?

There are plenty of other fish in the sea, but I really just want you.

There’s no right time.

At least, for me there isn’t. If there is, then I haven’t found it.

Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds are passing. Time just goes on as I spend every moment being a coward in not confessing, throughly convinced that it’s not going to get me anywhere. For now, I’m just waiting for the pain to gradually stop; waiting for time to heal my self-inflicted broken heart.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep thinking and thinking of things that haven’t really happened, waiting for one of them to come true, waiting to just cry my eyes out. I’m waiting for that moment that let’s me know that I was right about you; I shouldn’t have wasted all of my time, my feelings, my thoughts, my nights, especially these words that I hope you’ll never see, on you.

There’s only a sliver hope, that you’ll be the one who’ll prove me wrong. I’m holding onto that thought for dear life.

What’s a guy to do?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, (yeah, that’s new), about the future and where I want to be. It’s been bugging me lately, considering I have not turned in any college applications nor have I taken a test. I feel as if I have my owwn plans, but now I don’t know. I’ve been so caught up with the present that I haven’t prepared for the future too much. However, the present has given me ideas for what I might want to pursue in the future.

Photography, playing cello, and painting. They are three of my greatest passions. I’ve taken so many pictures with  my cellphone, that have actually turned out nice, it has made me wonder,”What would happen if I had a real camera?” I want to take pictures that’ll make me or anyone around me feel something. Any kind of emotion would do, but what I want is a response. I want to know what they think about it; how does this photo affect you? (BTW, sorry for switching POV’s) Then, there’s playing an instrument, or rather my cello. It’s inspired me so much, I wouldn’t be able to end my explanation. It helps me understand how composers like Mozart, Haydn, or Bach were feeling when they were thinking about the music they’ve composed. I would want to pursue a career in orchestral music, but that would require me to discipline myself in diligently practicing and studying different techniques, so I could play the difficult pieces that have made them so famous. I would love to do that. Finally, there’s painting. I began painting in 11th Grade. I was never in a class that taught painting nor have I actually researched techniques. I just did it. It was something for me to do after school; it was an outlet for the emotions that I wanted to feel (some feelings I wanted to be let out; it felt very therapeutic). I could blend all the colors I wanted that could’ve symbolized what I felt. It felt good.

These are things that I’ve discovered for myself, but wouldn’t have been able to without my friends (very corny, i know, but it’s true).

Although, there are drawbacks to these sudden realizations of self. I haven’t turned in any college applications. . .at all. I don’t know how to tell my parents that I’m also taking a year off from furthering my education. It’s just something that I would like to do later.

For now,

I just want to find “me”.

“I don’t know what this is. . .

Is this love? All I know is that, you’re all I think of.”

(I wish I knew who actually reads this.)

Sooooo, yesterday was my friends’ birthday party. It was fun, to say the least (I think that’s a compliment). There was sooooo muuuuuuch fooooood. I couldn’t eat all that. Well, I could’ve. I just don’t like eating so much in front of people. I think I’m weird like that.

Recap of the week:

• Finals! They went pretty well actually. I passed most of my classes, except for English, so I’m going to have to take Adult School. I’m not worried as much.
• Found out someone else likes the person I like. Oy vey.
• Birthday! . . .on the first day of Finals. Yay (sarcasm). I dressed nicely though, so I was mildly happy.
• Mall with friends. Domo hat! It was great.
• Popped my Korean BBQ cherry with one of my best friends from middle school. It was so delicious.
• Finally, my friends’ birthday. Oh, the amount of fun.

 

It’s too long to describe the events that happened. I think the most fun part had to be the lap dances. It’s hard to describe without using names, but it was pretty damn funny. The birthday girl got into the chair, then our teacher’s daughter. It was highly amusing seeing that. Oh yes~

Anyways I can’t seem to blog without mentioning him, seeing as how even with the title of this blog, I was still thinking about him. I don’t know if it’s love though. It’s hard to define it; most people should know that by know. I don’t know what I have, but I don’t care. I’m feeling really greedy though; I want to know more. What’re you thinking? I really want to know.

“There’s something in this world that no one has ever seen before. It is gentle and sweet. Maybe if it could be seen, everyone would fight for it. That’s why no one has ever seen it. The world hid it so that no one could get their hands on it easily. However, someday, someone will find it. The person who deserves it the most will definitely find it. This is how it’s created.”

Anyone know what I’m talking about?