“I don’t know.”

BRIEF THOUGHT: I’m somewhat thankful that I don’t really have an audience on here. However, there are times when I wish that somewhat would talk to me about it; a stranger, some random somebody wanting to express their opinion, anyone.  Just a thought.

“I don’t know” is likely, my most used phrase. Ever. I can say it in different ways, in that the meaning behind such a simple phrase could mean something different, but still relative.

It could mean:

• I’m too lazy to tell you.
• Go away.
• What’re you bothering me for?

Or simply,

• I don’t know.

Since I’ve used it in several other contexts, the phrase itself just manages to infuriate me. Is it that I really don’t know, or is that more that I don’t care? Maybe, it’s even more meaningless that I’m just thinking about why this simple sentence vexes me so.

Why do I do these things. . .

Too close.

I don’t let a lot of people get too close.

If anything, I’ve become a cloud that’s been struck by sunlight on multiple occasions, these past few weeks.

Floating from one person to the next, flaunting off my dimming rays of light.

That’s how it honestly feels.  On the outside, they see this happy-go-lucky guy greeting everyone by their first name, but then crashes towards the end of class, because all of his joie de vivre was provided by an energy drink or sugary confection.

Even when I’m struck with illness, or just not having a good day, I still manage to put on this façade, this morphing countenance, that I’ve grown accustomed to wearing almost every single day.

Don’t assume that that is who I am, when you don’t know me.

 

It doesn’t feel the same.

I’m stuck again. There’s a new guy that I’m trying to replace you with for the oncoming months, but it’s barely working.When I’m with him, it feels good. . . He’s taller than me, he’s okay with me hugging him. But, it doesn’t feel the same.  It’s not fair that I’m making him to be a rebound, even though I never really had anything to rebound off of.

That’s the thing. We never had anything together. A lot of things in common, but nothing . . .solid. But, I felt whole.

I’m still uncertain about my feelings about you- whether or not I’m in love with you. It’s a big deal for me, and I’m scared. I really am. I know that I love you. I do. I can call you a friend, if I can certainly admit that, but I want more.

Because, being with people that aren’t you just doesn’t feel the same.

I miss you.

But I can’t say it. At least, I don’t think so. Not now.

It’s been awhile, and a lot has happened.  Maybe I’ll start using this instead of another blogging site, to write down my thoughts.

Every now and then.

Good news is I’m getting better, in a way.

I definitely think so.